Jeff Flesch 12:24 pm on October 17, 2020
Tags: brenebrown, dependency, Love ( 497 ), loveasaparadox, loving yourself, lovingfiercely, lovingindependently, lovingourselves, romanticlove, trueself, truth ( 13 )

The Paradox of Love and Truth

Love Fiercely and Independently

Have you ever thought about the concept and practice of love? I mean really thought about why love looks and feels so different? Hm. I’ve been thinking more about love the past couple of weeks.

Thinking more about how loving fiercely is so important to our lives; and, yet, paradoxically, how living independently is also just as, even maybe more, important.

Right, well, before we get too far into our discussion, let’s define love, shall we? I know, I know. We all know what love is, right? So, why define it?

Well, I think it helps us create a specific context that will aid in our discussion of love.

Alright, here we go.

love

noun /lʌv/ /lʌv/Idioms

[uncountable] a very strong feeling of liking and caring for somebody/something, especially a member of your family or a friend
Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries

There.

Alright, now, what do I mean by loving independently. Well, just that. Loving fiercely, and yet loving in a way that allows you to always be who you are. Always.

Right, so here is the definition of independent. You knew I would.

independent

adjective OPAL W /ˌɪndɪˈpendənt/ /ˌɪndɪˈpendənt/

(of a country) having its own government
confident and free to do things without needing help from other people
Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries

Okay. Here is what we have thus far.

Generating fierce feelings of liking and caring for somebody or something, especially a member of your family or a friend, with the confidence and freedom to do things without needing help from others.

Well, that’s close, yet not quite right. Again, it’s more about always remaining true to the human being you are. Let’s try that again.

Generating fierce feelings of liking and caring for somebody or something, especially a member of your family or a friend, with the confidence and freedom to always be true to the human being you are.

There, that’s much better.

Why is the notion of loving fiercely and independently important?

Because if you live your life fiercely, you will do everything fiercely, love included. It works that way. And, it is beautiful.

And, to love fiercely, which is to experience vulnerability, nay, to practice it, is also beautiful; and, to do so always remaining true to the human being you are now and will be in the future is also beautiful.

Here is how Brené Brown describes loving fiercely.

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees – these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Good Reads

You may be asking yourself, okay, and if we become dependent?

Becoming dependent on another human being happens. In fact, it, at some point, happens to us all. Yep, that is true.

Yet, we can remain true to our independent self, while also being dependent. A paradox? Yep.

In this context, independence is more about being your true self, today, and always. And, even if you are dependent on another human being, you can retain your true self, thus continuing to be independent.

That’s fun.

And, what happens when we become dependent, while not remaining true to our own true self?

Right. Well, we lose ourselves in the process. Or, rather, it is more like we bury our true selves under tons of emotional debris. It is very hard to begin the process of finding our true selves when buried that deep.

Yet, it is possible.

The most important thing to note is that it is the awareness that is missing.

Thus, loving fiercely while also remaining true to our true self for many remains a paradox in language, and, more than likely, in practice.

This paradox is especially true in the United States where we are socialized with a very narrow view of love, called romantic love, which, in the end, can become more like attachment. The issue?

Well, when we are attached, dependency follows, and then? We end up sacrificing the true self we know ourselves to be. Not all at once. Nope.

Yet, over time, without an awareness on how attachment and dependency function, it happens that our true self becomes, as was aforementioned, buried. Phew. Difficult.

Loving fiercely is a wonderful experience, the scope of which includes much more than romantic love.

It starts with us. How we treat our bodies and minds, which is exactly how we will treat others. Yep.

Love is such a beautiful experience. When we love all there is to love about, well, ourselves, each other, every person, and thing on this planet, it is magical. Really.

And, when we do so, while also taking care to always retain and honor our true self, guess what?

The love we hold for ourselves, and for others, is also more true. Why?

Because we are not sacrificing our true self for others. We are always true to our true self. Doing the opposite is a road full of pain and suffering.

Love you first.

Love everything about you, the way you look, the way you are, the way you feel, all of the ways you occur. You are just as you are supposed to be. Right now, at this very moment. Just so.

And?

When we really get that and feel it for ourselves, it goes out from us and spreads to everyone and everything else. Yep.

We send love inward, and it radiates outwards. A beautiful experience. Love firecily. You did, do, and will always deserve it.

#brenebrown, #dependency, #love, #loveasaparadox, #loving-yourself, #lovingfiercely, #lovingindependently, #lovingourselves, #romanticlove, #trueself, #truth

Jeff Flesch 6:42 pm on July 19, 2020
Tags: authenticity ( 8 ), community ( 10 ), connection ( 122 ), developingourselves ( 7 ), development ( 35 ), developmentandgrowth ( 18 ), emotionalintelligence ( 19 ), grwoth ( 3 ), leadership ( 54 ), loveeachother, loving yourself, Relationships ( 28 ), relationshipsystems ( 2 ), safety ( 5 ), theworld, transparency, weareallconnected, workrelationships ( 2 )

Creating and Maintaining Relationships Part 4: The Relationship System

Photo by Nick Owuor (astro.nic.visuals) on Unsplash

Have you ever thought about how relationships work? I mean how they function within the systems and spheres that we move through? It is an interesting question, and one that we will explore in this post.

In my first post on relationships, Creating and Maintaining Relationships: What else is there?, I write about how all relationships start with you, and go outward. Here is the diagram from that post.

Now, in this post, we are going to expand on this simple relationship diagram, so we can see the movement that occurs through each of these relationship spheres. Let’s start with the relationship we have with ourselves, as it really does all start there.

Relationship with ourselves

In the post, The Self-Development Tips Series 1: The Art of Loving Yourself, I write about the importance of developing a highest-quality relationship with ourselves. That, in fact, learning how to love ourselves is the very first step in having other high-quality relationships. It is a must. Really.

Without a high-quality relationship with ourselves, we cannot create high-quality relationships with others. Why? Because if we don’t know how to take care of ourselves, to love ourselves, we cannot give care and love out to others. Not in a sustainable way.

We must first develop deep care and love for ourselves, then that same deep care and love will go out from us to others.

Relationships with Family

Once we have a high-quality relationship with ourselves, we can truly be there for our family. In being there, I mean have open, honest, and loving communication with each other; developing those high-quality relationships along the way.

In the post, Creating and Maintaining Relationships Part 3: Understanding Our Emotions and Strengthening Our Relationships by Slowing Down, I write about the importance of noticing when we are being inattentive to how we feel. Important.

When we are inattentive to our emotions, and are reacting without pausing, there is a higher likelihood that arguments with our partners will become more common. These pauseless reactions also function the same way with and toward our children.

It is important to note that we are not reacting to our environments in this way intentionally. Fully understanding how we are reactive, includes learning about our “triggers.” What are they, whom are they with, and why do we have them? Once we know, we can create space to pause, think and reflect, and then choose a different action.

All of which when combined with having a loving relationship with ourselves, free of blame and shame, creates whole new possibilities with the relationships we have with our family.

Relationships at Work

In the post, Three Transformational Leadership Skills, I write about developing high-quality relationships at work. Developing these relationships, like the ones we have with family, also starts with ourselves.

Once we are clear on who we are, and how we think and feel, we can develop work relationships that are strong and long-lasting. In the article I note three essential skills all leaders should develop in order to create these high-quality relationships.

Authenticity – knowing who we are is the first step, then being who we are all the time is the next.
Safety – creating a safe environment with the team you lead, or work on, is essential. People will not be authentic with you unless you are also authentic, and they feel safe.
Transparency – being forthright about the state of the business, and issues that arise, are also important. Sharing with the people you work with is important for them to feel included, and valued.

These three skills, of course, are also important for us to develop in our personal lives. It works like that. What we develop for ourselves, we end up developing for everyone around us.

Relationships with the Community and The Greater World

How we develop ourselves, and our relationships then goes out from us and into the community, and, yes, the greater world. When we create a focus on our inner development, people around us develop, and the community also develops. That is movement.

The movement is part of the way the relationship network, or system works. Here is a simple illustration that goes a bit further than the above referenced system image, showing that we are connected through everyone we know, ultimately, to all people.

By continuing to add more contexts into the above illustration, you can create more complexity in how the relationship system is interwoven.

Ultimately we are connected to everyone, and everything, and what we give out, comes back to us. All contexts are also connected, sometimes directly, and sometimes indirectly, as the above illustration also shows.

Whether the connection is direct or indirect matters less, than the realization that all that we do on this planet as human beings touches each other in some way. Important.

Relationships are so important. Really. The relationship we have with ourselves is the starting point, and, as you can see, it is only the beginning of how we, as human beings, end up touching everyone and everything around us. Even when we don’t know about it.

These relationships and all that we give and get from them are crucial to moving society forward. Without them, there would be no movement.

Know that every action you take to develop and grow yourself also grows your family, friends, teams, organizations, communities, and the greater world.

Develop well.

#authenticity, #community, #connection, #developingourselves, #development, #developmentandgrowth, #emotionalintelligence, #grwoth, #leadership, #loveeachother, #loving-yourself, #relationships, #relationshipsystems, #safety, #theworld, #transparency, #weareallconnected, #workrelationships

Jeff Flesch 9:31 pm on July 7, 2020
Tags: exercise ( 3 ), healthy diet, healthy habits, journaling ( 4 ), loving yourself, Meditation ( 22 ), motivation ( 6 ), personal development ( 3 ), quiet time ( 2 ), Relationships ( 28 ), Self Development ( 21 ), sleep ( 2 ), well-being ( 2 ), Writing ( 94 )

The Self-Development Tips Series 1: The Art of Loving Yourself

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships this week. In fact, I am always thinking about relationships in some way, as I do believe they are one of the most important things in life. So very important.

Yet, when you think of relationships, what is your first thought?

Is it of yourself, or someone else? Most people will say someone else. Why? Because, I think, we are in many ways programmed to think externally first.

However, it is always, and will forever be, the ways in which we look internally first that we will then be able to turn our gaze outward.

Meaning that how we think about and treat ourselves is exactly how we will think about and treat other people. What to do?

We must learn to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, be good to ourselves, and find ways to make time for ourselves.

It is very common, however, to think that by taking care of others we are, in effect, taking care of ourselves. Not so. When we “take care” of others at the expense of our own self-care, or at the expense of their own development, we help no one; and, no one grows.

What can we do?

We can begin to develop a healthy relationship with ourselves now. Today.

It is through developing a relationship with ourselves that we can begin to love ourselves for the human beings that we are. And, guess what? As we develop a loving relationship with ourselves, our external relationships will become more stable, and loving.

It is then that everyone in our sphere, starting with ourselves, has the ability to grow and develop. Does this mean that our relationships will be easy? No. It might mean that some of them will be more difficult.

Especially if we have created relationships with people that have superseded our own relationship with ourselves.

However, once we begin to look inward, and make choices about what’s best for ourselves, we can begin to move ourselves forward.

And, create that loving relationship with ourselves that is absolutely necessary and needed in order to have healthy relationships with anyone.

Alright, so how and where do we begin? And, what strategies can you use to get in touch with yourself, and begin to create, develop, and maintain the most important relationship in your life?

Let’s take a look at a few that I use daily.

Quiet Time

Until about three years ago, I was always on the go. Always. I didn’t ever really stop until it was time for bed. And then, I would not sleep well. When I started to incorporate quiet time into my day, I immediately noticed the health benefits.

If quiet time was so beneficial, why didn’t you incorporate it into your life earlier?

Because I didn’t know how. When you live one way, that is what you know. Sounds silly. It is, however, very true. Unless someone else shows you another way, you will continue to do things that are not beneficial for you.

All the while, there is another way, you just don’t have access to it yet.

If you are always running, I suggest building in quiet time into your day. How? Any way you can. Know that when I write quiet time, I mean any time you can get away from technology and other people.

As much as I love people, and all of my relationships, as I’m sure you also do, we all need a break from the constant stimulation. Needed.

Journaling and Writing

Journaling and writing are also helpful. As I’ve written in other posts, I’ve been writing for some time, however, I only began to write introspectively these past couple of years.

Writing about how you are feeling, what your hopes and dreams are, and how you intend to achieve them is a totally different type of writing.

When we write as a way to understand ourselves better, we open up the possibility of actually getting to know ourselves better. And, to have a quality relationship with ourselves, and everyone else, we must know who we are. Very important.

When we get to know ourselves, really know ourselves, diving deep into why we feel as we do, and getting clearer on the things that have happened in our past, which we are still holding onto, we can begin to heal.

And, it is inside of this healing where our deepest and most profound transformation can occur. Learning to love the person we were, are, and will be. Special.

Meditation

I’ve written about my meditation practice in several posts now, and, indeed, on this topic it is no different. The health benefits I’ve experienced from learning how to mediate, and to incorporate meditation into my daily routine have been, and are, profound. Why?

Because it is your time. Just for you. A time for introspection, to learn about yourself. What makes you, you, and how your humanness works. When you sit, you get to know more about how your mind and body work, and how they work together.

And, inside of a learning like this, you have more access to understand yourself and all of humanity in a whole new way.

In the article, Creating a Meditation Practice: 3 Steps in 4 Minutes, I write about some simple steps you can take to create a meditation practice. It takes time, dedication, and creating the habit. If you are a beginner, it is also helpful to have someone coach you along the way.

What is most important? Taking the time you need to begin a meditation practice if it is something you’ve been interested in. Why wait?

Dietary Needs

For the longest time I didn’t focus on my diet. In fact, it was one of those things that bothered me terribly, as I was very overweight, yet, I continued to eat poorly.

Not loving myself for a long time.

It is important to eat well. What we put into our body has direct implications for how our mind and body functions. Really. When I began to focus on my diet, which started slowly, I would take one thing out of my diet at a time that was unhealthy for me. Then, I would take something else out. Takes time.

The amount of clarity you gain by removing foods loaded with artificial ingredients and high levels of sugar is profound. Not something I ever really understood or knew about. It is loving yourself to create a diet that is rich in nutrients.

A high-quality diet will fuel your mind, body, and soul. Believe me.

There are plenty of articles out there about creating a healthy diet, and you can also work on your diet with your doctor. What do I know? That eating more naturally produced foods, vegetables, beans, fruits, and nuts has been very beneficial for me.

My diet has been totally plant-based for almost a year now, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, except, the change that comes from continuing to learn about new ways to purchase and prepare new foods.

Exercise

I’ve always believed in exercise, and through most of my life have enjoyed walking. However, I never really developed a healthy exercise habit until about 2 years ago. Exercise is important. We all need it.

Further, exercise also gives you time for yourself. Time to explore your own needs when it comes to being with your body. You can develop a healthy exercise habit or routine by simply creating the space in your day to do so.

I know. It sounds easy, and yet it can be difficult. Understood. Many people ask or wonder about how to develop the motivation to keep up a regular exercise routine. In the article, Motivation: Is it an inside or outside job?, I write about the fact that motivation comes from within.

Motivation comes from the doing of that which you want to do regularly. Simple. People often say they aren’t motivated, so they can’t get to the gym, or that they are too busy, so there is not time to go for a walk. Normal.

However, the only way to become motivated is to actually go to the gym, or make the space in your day for a walk. That’s it. And, after you’ve done so, and continue to do so, in time, you will find your motivation.

You will also have developed another healthy habit, and routine. Loving yourself.

Sleep Well

Sleep is so important, yet in the United States in particular, we often disregard our sleep in favor of other activities. Though I sleep better than ever before, I still struggle in this area.

It’s like that though. You develop yourself, loving yourself, a little at a time. You learn, you create new habits, some old habits hang around longer than others, then they also eventually go away. All the while I am inviting you to persist.

Persist in loving yourself, and allowing yourself the time needed to recuperate from your day. So very important. When we do not give ourselves that time, we will not be our best the next day. It’s just not possible to be your best when you are tired.

Believe me, I know. I spent many years sleeping poorly. Staying up very late, drinking too much, and sleeping, well, like you would imagine. Not well.

And, like the rest of this article, it takes creating the healthy habit of loving yourself enough to ensure that you get the rest you need.

When you are fully rested, you have the opportunity to be your best the next day. For yourself, first, and then for all of those around you.

Alright, there we have it. There are 6 different tips that when worked on, over time, can bring you more time, energy, rest, peace, and overall well being.

And, inside of increasing our overall well being, we are practicing the art of loving ourselves.

For, it is inside of the love that we show to ourselves first, that we can really begin to love other people. When we don’t show ourselves the love we deserve, by taking care of ourselves, we cannot really love other people. Not really.

Loving starts with the love you show yourself. Show yourself love today, then, by taking up a healthy habit you’ve been avoiding or putting off.

It takes creating the time, and taking action. Remember, developing your new healthy habit will take time. Yet, I am inviting you to persist in your quest to develop your healthy habit. Why?