It’s in our hands, Yours and mine, A sublime undertaking With so much potential for the making
In each moment exists That true and powerful bliss Let us not be remiss About that which coexists
Like a tangle of weaves Threadbare, and A shouldered burden everywhere
A light that shines north In its possibilities do come forth
A beautiful spectacle With need of many respectful glances, and Second chances made fair, with
All that is there for the taking, Or rather, for the making
Creativity is our highest calling People say, and yet we spend more time Forestalling that which we know is our true nature Which is also quite grand and sprawling
Believing instead in Disconnection and separateness as truthful When they are in fact quite deceitful
Listen my friends To that which you know, and Be bold, for it is not to dear to hold Close to heart and use to make that grand start
For creation is there in every moment Breathless and sweet as the afternoon breeze A prize for our enjoyment
Use with care, and Never be wary, nor tarry too long Rather be daring, adventurous, and strong
Because they both shape so much of our daily experience. In this 3-minute reflection, we will take a look at communication first, and then? Maybe relationships next time.
Right, so let’s define communication real quick.
communication
noun /kəˌmjuːnɪˈkeɪʃn/ /kəˌmjuːnɪˈkeɪʃn/
[uncountable] the activity or process of expressing ideas and feelings or of giving people information
[uncountable](also communications [plural])methods of sending information, especially phones, radio, computers, etc. or roads and railways
Self-expression is one of the most empowering experiences. Being able to feel and say what is needed. Important. Often, people hold back, as I once did, for the sake of “not rocking the boat,” or fear of reprisal. The issue?
When we hold back how we feel and what we think, we are actually still continuing to communicate those feelings and thoughts. Though, because we’ve been holding back, they will come out in a less than productive communicative way.
Today I find it better to express the truth about how I feel and what I think, even when, and, maybe, most importantly when, it means how I feel and what I think may spur a difficult conversation. It is really okay, and is needed.
We communicate more about how we feel and how we think nonverbally than we do verbally. That is the truth. Which is why it is so important to be transparent with ourselves, first, about how we feel, and what we think, and then to communicate that to those we care about.
Again, if we choose to not communicate how we feel and what we think, we will still communicate these feelings and thoughts through nonverbal communication.
Whether that is an skance glance or gesture, or some other form of nonverbal cue. And? People close to us will pick up on it, even if they are unconcious of it, and, yep, will react to it. The issue?
When we lead communicative experiences that are healthy and transparent, we have the opportunity to create a context that is free of the fear of reprisal, or the inauthentic experience of “not rocking the boat.”
By the way, when we actively try to “not rock the boat,” know that the boat is probably already rocking. And?
It can be settled a bit by being open and communicative about how we feel and what we think.
Communication really does shape our experience. As my awareness has grown over the past three years, I am able to notice when my nonverbal cues are picked up on by other people, and, likewise, when I pick up on theirs.
It is an interesting experience, and is one that is ultimately empowering. We have the potential to create contexts that are communicatively healthy once we are aware. Aware of just how important healthy communication is, both verbal and nonverbal.
We all get frustrated, and, yes, even angry sometimes. That happens to us all. It is part of being human.
However, it is important to practice communicating with others when we feel this way; and, to take the time necessary to understand why we are frustrated or angry in the first place.
For, as we know, when we are frustrated or angry, we are not frustrated or angry because of what other people are doing. We are frustrated or angry with how we are thinking and feeling about what other people are doing, or what we are doing, or not doing. It’s always that way.
All communication starts with us. How we communicate with ourselves is the beginning for how we ultimately communicate with others. And?
When we take the time to communicate with ourselves, which includes listening, we understand ourselves that much better; and, we also understand the people we love and care about that much better too.
And, for me? That’s what it means to live and love a communicative life. It’s about taking the time to practice communication. Practice communicating with ourselves, yes, and then with everyone else. It is quite lovely.
Fears abound As we progress, and Distress over everything little thing
That transpires upon the wire A balancing act, where we sway With even the gentlest breeze,
Losing our balance While gripping to our fear Of what is seen through the valance
An illusion
Proven time and again, yet We continue to buy-in, To that which is seen and heard,
Like?
That very beautiful bird, a mystery Deluge of the cloistered senses Ever pleasant and on fire For more presents,
Gifts from the unknown realms Where safety reigns supreme,
Like?
That elm tree, Solid and anchored deep Even though the roots are hardly seen
Safe and strong, Know that you always belong, To that which is unseen, and is
Such a silent mystery, and Also a part of our collective history, so
Remember, you are safe As you look out through that valance Don’t be deceived, rather be retrieved, For it’s in your heart’s heart that you truly do believe
What do you think that coaching, communication, and insight have in common? Hm. Not sure?
Or, maybe, you’re thinking it’s that they’re interactive, and that’s what they have in common, and, yep, that is true. Yet there is one more. Yep.
They are all part of a single system. Each one, coaching, communication, and insight, all of them, is a piece of a larger whole. Let’s take a look at these pieces so we can see the whole. Ready? Here we go.
Creating Coaching
Alright, I’ve written about coaching before, and, even wrote about a developed model that works pretty well. Yet, guess what? Yep. That model has iterated. Today? Here’s what it looks like now.
Creating Safety
Current Reality
Future Reality
Define the Gap
Create Next Actions
Create Safety
Yep, it is a complete system. And, yes, it is a system within a system. Meaning, that coaching is, yes, one piece in an overall system, and, yep, you begin with safety and end with it. Every time. Why?
Because creating safety for people is one of the most important aspects of developing high-functioning teams. Seriously. Watch.
What does it take to have a high-functioning team? Any ideas? Yep. Here we go.
Trust
Reciprocity
Vulnerability
Innovation
Execution
There’s five. And, to have those five? Yep. Safety. Always.
In order to have high-quality coaching conversations, good communication must also be present. And, what, pray, are the components of good communication. Here are a few.
Listen
Be present
Tell your truth
Reciprocity
Sounds simple, yes? Well, it is, and yet, is a paradox, like most things in life. Why? Because it takes practice, and a commitment to persevere. You will make mistakes. And?
That’s okay. It’s part of it.
If we think that good communication feels good all the time, or looks one way or another, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Most of my favorite conversations today are loaded with work, for both people.
Here are a few more important concepts to develop good communication.
Patience
Grace
Compassion
Understanding
It takes work and time. Yet, when you practice listening and being present, all kinds of wondrous things happen. Really.
Ah, yes, one of my favorite topics. Insight. Beautiful.
Well, what’s the deal with insight anyway? When we typically think about insight, we think about that moment of clarity where we learn something we’d not considered before. Right? Yep.
However, insight can come in many forms. Seriously. Here are a few.
Self
One-on-One
Team
Organization
Community
Yep. Insights are created through collaboration, whether that is through collaboration with yourself, yes, that’s true, or with another individual or team member, or with the entire team, organization, or community.
Insights are a product of high-quality communicative contexts that are safe. Period.
Alright, so what does creating coaching, good communication, and insight have to do with each other? Yep, you got it.
They are all a part of the relationship system. First, the relationships we have with ourselves, then, the team, organization, and community. True.
And, the relationship system is applicable in all social contexts. Meaning, you can substitute family with the team in the aforementioned example, and you have a whole and complete system for the family. Same.
There we go. That’s my 3-minute reflection on the relationships system, and why considering these pieces as connected and a part of a larger whole is very important for leaders, and, well, for everyone. Really.
In fact, one could argue, as I would, that your very relationships depend on it. Truth. Phew. That was fun.
Whether it is quiet, Or a part of a noisy riot, There are times to pause, and Reflect, upon that which is there
A single stare focused and present Paying attention, and freed up to Release our tension, built up over time
Which may not be a rhyme, yet is For surely sublime, and Part of the space-time
Continuum
Part and parcel, then To all that was before, a metaphor, Yes, and A signal of what’s in store
Which is often missed when distracted And often retracted From Self
Focus split over dimensions, so Why not mention, divided attention Is disconnection with the best of intentions
And not a problem, yet Beware of the resistance You may feel as the breeze blows, Which is common prose for those that know
That resistance, and Not persistence feeds the many Lingering thoughts, which intrude Without common interlude, and
Breech the listening device, so Remember to be concise, focused, And present in all that is pleasant,
As well as with all that is unpleasant
Both are important, for growth depends on being engaged With all aspects of our humanity, Shared together not in vanity, But, rather, for the sake of our collective sanity
When it comes, In the light of day, At the dawn, or at night When the light has given way To the setting sun
Remember,
The stillness, that thrills us And fills us with a wonder, and A grace that is never asunder
Though, yes, we may blunder, and grope For and find thunder, That stillness is always within you, Waiting, Like a light that burns bright On very cold and stormy nights
When you are filled with chaos And are in need of a returning To that steadfast place, Which is also a yearning
Rebirth and renewal Are always there for your learning
Like a jewel That shines forth, and Reflects back all that is best
Especially when you are pressed Yet never regressed, And for surely blessed, and yes
Maybe even stressed, For you see, We are like the storm As we enact and perform Our duty on this planet of great beauty
Yet know that storming and performing Are only a part of the knowing One piece, just like That stillness deep inside, especially When we abide by all that is kind
Be blessed upon the tests That come, and Sit still in the knowing That all is One, and that You are growing and glowing Through the storm we may call knowing
Wow, what a busy, busy week. I know, I know, I always start out that way. Yet, it really was. So much so, in fact, that my time was allocated to other things, and writing in some ways, not all ways for sure, took a little bit of a back seat this week.
Writing
Simply meaning that I didn’t get to work on larger pieces this week. Yet, you know what I did get to work on? Yep. Poetry. I am absolutely falling in love with writing poetry. Love. And, here’s what that looked like.
And, next week? Yep, here is what I’m currently working on.
An Insight Poem
The Reflection Series Part 4: What Does it Mean to Live a Life Full of Insight?
The Reflection Series Part 5: What Does it Mean to Live and Love a Communicative Life?
I am finding that it is necessary to shorten my articles a little. That certainly doesn’t mean I’ll stop writing longer pieces. Yet, at least for the time being, I am working on some shorter posts. We will see.
Okay, so I am still reading the book on Ramana Maharshi, yet am also now reading another book for the book club, which I’ll write more about in a moment. Ramana?
I am about 1/3 of the way through the book, maybe more, and here is what I love the most about the book thus far.
The book is set up as a Q&A session with Ramana and the narrator. And? Time and again, the narrator basically asks Ramana the same question in different ways. And, each time? Yep.
Ramana gives a very different answer that points the narrator, and the reader, back to the same place. Fun. The place?
Inside of you, of course. No matter the question, the seeking, the apparent frustration, the answer? Yep, already lives inside of you. Stay quiet and listen. Lovely.
Well, here in Oregon, we are now on a 2-week freeze, which the Governor did say would be extended if the cases continued to stay steady or rise. Impact?
Hardest hit are the local small businesses, especially those in the food industry. Phew. Difficult.
We will be working with small business owners in the coming days and weeks to ensure they have what they need to pivot their businesses once again.
I’m not sure a more resilient group exist right now, with the exception of those in healthcare. Amazing people all around.
Quick updated. I was able to get the remote book club together for our first meeting a week ago Saturday. Fun!
We’ve chosen to read, Anxious People, by Fredrik Backman. It’s actually pretty good thus far.
Sort of an inquiry, as the title relates, into the human condition in regard to emotionality, and the spectrum of how that plays out in stressful situations. Interesting.
Closing
Well, that’s about it for this week. Time to go see what you are all up to, and to see if I can finish the insight poem on this night. Ha! Even more fun.
The first stanza? Sure. Here we go.
Insight is such a delight, A fancy quite bright, which lives Beyond the pale moonlight
Fun, fun, fun.
Alright, everyone, please stay healthy and well, and have a wonderful week ahead.
Remember, you are an inspiration to me, and to everyone around you.
All around you, look And see, what’s hidden Beneath the sea of tranquility,
Bathed in a light so bright And responsive to A plight, that’s right, Which lives beyond the night Of everlasting daylight,
Shining on
You and me, and all that see What’s already there, just stare Off into the distance, A common affair, so don’t beware
Rather take care Of yourself in this instance, For the perspiration of your inspiration Takes root there
It’s lives inside you, and me, And the common tree, Asunder not, One Full of thunder, and A distant and harmonic wonder
Believe in that which you see, A mirror of Mind, You and me, and yes, The uncommon tree, both, One And the same, playing the same game, Amidst the same flame, so
Breathe deep, and take in All there is to keep close to heart A majestical start, and a Rightful and delightful creation Is this thing we call inspiration
I am often fond of saying something like, or more, exactly like, relationships are everything. Really. Everything we do is predicated on a relationship. Yes? I think so.
And, I’ve written many articles about relationships, because I do believe they are the basis for all social and cultural phenomena. Yep.
But, what does that really mean? Good question.
In this article we will explore the concept of the interaction ritual, termed and written about by Irving Goffman.
Yet, before we get to that part of our discussion, let’s define both interaction and ritual. Ready? Good. Here we go.
Reciprocal action or influence. ‘ongoing interaction between the two languages’
Communication or direct involvement with someone or something. ‘for a shy person, social interaction can be a stomach-churning, anxiety-filled experience’
An interaction ritual, then, is a reciprocal series of actions, influence, or types of behaviour regularly and invariably followed by someone.
Pretty straight forward, yes? Good. Now, what about Goffman? Good question. Here is how Goffman defines interaction ritual.
“The subject matter [Interaction Ritual], however, can be identified. It is that class of events which occurs during the co-presence and by virtue of co-presence. The ultimate behavioral materials are the glances, gestures, positionings, and verbal statements that people continuously feed into the situation, whether intended or not. These are the external signs of orientation and involved-states of mind and body not ordinarily examined with respect to their social organization.” (Goffman, 1967).
A concept or perception of something based on the collective views developed and maintained within a society or social group; a social phenomenon or convention originating within and cultivated by society or a particular social group, as opposed to existing inherently or naturally.
Now, what does it mean for the interaction ritual to be socially constructed? Good question. Here we go.
It means that all of the glances, gestures, positionings, and verbal statements we utilize in our interactions are maintained within a society or social group.
Meaning that the way we interact and the rules governing such behavior are merely ideas about how interactions are to take place. They are not inherent or natural. Nope.
Further, it means that the maintenance of the ideas we have about how we are to conduct ourselves in our interactions are ritualized
Simply meaning that the behaviors we display in our interactions become codified as mores and norms, and then are past down as truth to future generations through socialization. The issue? Sure.
Mores and norms are also social constructions. Watch.
Now, we can see in these definitions that both mores and norms are also ideas that are constructed in language as customary or typical, which are then agreed upon within a particular social milieux.
Hence, they are also socially constructed. Meaning?
That mores and norms are not naturally occurring phenomena. Nope. They are ideas people have, and end up believing, about what should or should not happen in a society, or social setting. And, what, prey, happens in a social setting? Yep.
In sociology there is another theoretical concept called the definition of the situation. Here is an excerpt.
“The definition of “the situation” is what people use to know what is expected of them and what is expected of others in any given situation. Through the definition of the situation, people obtain a sense of the statuses and roles of those involved in the situation so that they know how to behave. It is the agreed upon, subjective understanding of what will happen in a given situation or setting, and who will play which roles in the action. The concept refers to how our understanding of the social context of where we may be, like a movie theater, bank, library, or supermarket informs our expectations of what we will do, who we will interact with, and for what purpose. As such, the definition of the situation is a core aspect of social order — of a smoothly operating society.”
Very similar to what we’ve already discussed, yes? Yep.
Why Does the Interaction Ritual and the Definition of the Situation Matter?
Now, I think the definition of the situation is important in our discussion about interaction rituals, because the way a situation is defined is also socially constructed, which you can interpret just by reading the excerpt above. Meaning?
That, we are all, each of us, within our own cultural milieu, continuously affirming and confirming the socially agreed upon interaction ritual within the scope of a particularly defined situation, or defined context. Yep.
And, guess what?
We can change that, if we choose. Yep. How? Sure.
Create new denitions, or realities. I believe creating new realities is what all great leaders do. Yep.
They understand both the strengths and opportunities of the contexts they navigate, and take advantage of the strengths, while also creating possibilities within the opportunities. And?
We can all do this. You, me, everyone of us. Really.
If you look at how social change occurs, it is due to individual people, just like you and me, choosing to create a new reality, define a new context, and then act in that context in new ways, shifting what was known to a new known. Just like that. Beautiful.
Shadowlight Words 